Mom Chronicles

Hello everybody,

Today my daughter turns 4 months old. Yes. I have a daughter now and she is this amazing tiny human, whose awesomeness never ceases to amaze me. Every time I refer to her as ‘ my daughter’ my heart bursts with joy and they are not even small sophisticated bursts but like big emotions sweeping over my mind and body. So, in theory and in evidence ,I know I created her and it took nine months but all that I truly did not understand and struggle to remember as well. So she is in every sense my Small Wonder.

I heard someone say that you never know what kind of parent you are going to be till you are in it and by then you are already in it. The relaxed, cool as a cucumber me has now been transformed into a totally neurotic, hand sanitizing, hyper personality who could if be possible just stare at her baby all day long. Believe me all I want to do really in life is stare at her, but such behaviour is hardly advised or encouraged. Turns out no matter how little she maybe, my baby is pretty happy in her own space and does not actually need me to hover over her all the time.

Although what takes one by surprise is how all-consuming parenthood can be and how it becomes so, without much notice. One day you are leading a certain sort of life and without exaggeration I say, the next day it’s a whole different life with a completely different centre of attraction. I am not denying that I was, always a person who liked things a certain way but now my need to control everything is on a whole different unrecognisable level. I wonder if it is the nature’s hormonal cocktail playing with me to make sure my baby is taken care, making sure I get loaded with things like separation anxiety and mother’s guilt. Or. Is it that I was always this person and this huge life change has just magnified my innate nature of trying to be in control?

Also there is no real control, my daughter makes me believe one day that I have figured it all out and the next day she throws a googly and I am like ummmm what’s happening. Her one sneeze gives me mild panic attacks and same goes for glorified mosquito bites. I am realising now that my grain has changed forever, and I will probably never be cool and casual or step out of my house with less than hundred different baby things, which I imagine I will need. This is me 2.0, full of love and full of anxiety living a dichotomy called motherhood. Although I do hope the anxiety calms down a bit if only for my husband’s sake, other than that lets do some smothering.. sorry I meant mothering.